Disposing of the Rod
As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, I don’t have enough fingers with which to count the number of people I know who went through some form of assault under the guise of discipline. It’s as common and dare I say as traditional as eating Rice or Pounded Yam on Sunday. We all have stories, from the funny to the downright horrifying. And we all have scars, acknowledged, unacknowledged, or denied.
Child psychologists and pediatricians have increasingly decried the use of corporal punishment in disciplining children and adolescents. The American Academy of Pediatricians (AAP), in a 2018 guide, expressed strong disapproval for spanking as a tool for correcting children. Hitting children solves nothing; in fact, it causes a myriad of problems that I would try to highlight in the following paragraphs.
Spanking is addictive. You hit your child to stop them from putting something dangerous in their mouth; it works. So the next time you need them to do something, that’s your go-to solution. However, it doesn’t quite work as easily as the first time, so you hit harder and harder until your bare hands can’t do it for you anymore. You upgrade to slippers, canes, whatever it takes. Before you know it, you’ve crossed the line between light spanking and child abuse. No one starts out rubbing pepper on their child’s body then beating them with barbed wire.
Spanking doesn’t work; you only think it does. The goal of corporal punishment is changed behaviour; however, that can only be achieved through internal conviction and not external control. When you hit your child, there’s an immediate change in behaviour, but it doesn’t last. Until that child understands why their actions were wrong, you’re going to have to keep hitting them for different variations of that same act.
Spanking builds resentment. However justified you feel in your decision to spank your child, they will always feel wronged. When you continuously hit them, their dislike for you continues to build until you have yourself an adult child who only speaks to you on birthdays and holidays, if at all.
“One of the most important relationships we all have is the relationship between ourselves and our parents, and it makes sense to eliminate or limit fear and violence in that loving relationship” -Dr. Robert D. Sege. The relationship between parent and child is one of the most important, especially for young children. They need to know that you’re their safe space, spanking erodes that.
Corporal Punishment teaches kids that violence is okay. When you spank your child, what you teach them is that it is okay for big people to hit small people, for strong people to hit weaker ones. Children who grow up in an environment where violence is rampant will often end up being aggressors. These children grow up to be bullies and domestic abusers.
The psychological effects of spanking are vast. The trauma will often lead to low self-esteem, low sense of self-worth, issues managing emotions such as anger, low interpersonal skills, defiance and aggression, and mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. People who have experienced trauma from corporal punishment also show changes in brain anatomy. A study of young adults who had been exposed to repeated harsh corporal punishment showed that these persons had reduced prefrontal cortical gray matter volume and performance IQ.
What are the alternatives? The AAP, on their parenting website, published two guides for managing children’s behaviour. Younger children learn by mimicking the actions of older people. To teach your kid to behave better, you need to mirror the desired behaviour. For example, if you want your kid to learn to talk about what they’re feeling, you should be open about your feelings, and the healthy ways you deal with them.
Where it is impossible to teach by mirroring, for instance, when you want them to stop doing something, you should talk to them. Children are smarter than we give them credit for and will often stop a behaviour if you help them understand why it’s wrong.
Attention and reinforcements are also viable methods. When your child is throwing a tantrum that is more annoying than it is disruptive or destructive, simply ignoring them will do the trick. By refusing to give them what they want, you teach them that their behaviour will achieve nothing. On the other hand, when your child has done something right, shower them with praise or give them a treat.
Older children require a more active approach to discipline. Instead of spanking, you can try:
- Show them that actions have consequences. You can either provide logical consequences or allow natural ones to happen.
- Have rules and corresponding punishments. You should help your child understand these rules, if you can, let them join in the rulemaking process. You should also be consistent, try to not let them off the hook for breaking any of the rules.
- Talk. Try to understand why your child acted out, then help them understand why their actions were wrong. If they had genuine reasons for their bad behaviour, show them how they can do better next time. When having the conversation, it is crucial to stay calm and talk to them like you would another adult. Launching into a tirade or using insulting words will achieve nothing. Verbal abuse has almost the same effect as spanking. Remember, you’re having a conversation, not giving them a verbal lashing.
- Take away something they love. You can take away their gadgets, cut TV time, ground them, etc. It is imperative that they understand why, so have a conversation with them beforehand.
- Negotiate. Be open to letting them pick their punishment. The conversation you have when negotiating teaches kids self-discipline and helps them to reflect on their behaviour. This method works best with adolescents.
Breaking the cycle of abuse is near impossible, but it must be done. We didn’t turn out alright, and if we don’t end it, our kids will turn out worse.
