This is your Princess speaking. As the Permanent Secretary, it is my duty to give you a breakdown of our past week and the agenda for the new week; a duty which I hold dear.

This week, we have put our tech team to the test. Using our state-of-the-art satellite tracking system, we have been able to invade the enemy camp. News reaching me is that our team of elite hackers were able to hack into the enemy’s devices and make public never-before-seen media to frame the enemy and tarnish his pristine image. I applaud the initiative of our tech team.

In our proudest moment this week, our team of confusionists were able to infiltrate the enemy camp and sow discord. In one day, the enemy camp put out and deleted a series of conflicting tweets, evidencing the discombobulation and intellectual dishonesty that they are famous for. An ardent advocate of the untrustworthiness of the police force was seen switching camps when he said that a document produced by the very police force he rallies against is worthy of unquestioned belief. I congratulate the coven for this win, we were able to take over his body and make him say such things to mar his integrity.

My good sisters, this week we were put in the limelight. Although we have been able to keep the existence of the coven a secret for decades, we have been found out. We knew this day would come. This is, however, not a time to retreat; no, we must push forward with all our might. This is the time for us to show that we are more powerful than they imagined. We are descendants of Lilith, her dark power flows through our veins, and with it, we shall bring down our adversaries.

Our agenda for the coming week is simple, instil the fear of our might in the hearts and minds of all people. Let them know that we will no longer be silent in the face of injustice. Show them that we have the power to take down any foe who makes the grave mistake of standing in our way. We are a force to be reckoned with, we are the waters of the ocean, and we will reclaim our land. We are wildfires, we will unleash our fury and our rage will burn down every institution built to hold us down.

Our sisters will be going on several missions in the week. The destiny destroyers will use the #Metoo movement and cancel culture to ensure that the enemy loses whatever privileges he has. We are going for jobs, political appointments, scholarships, and grants; anything the enemy has shall be taken away.

A small group of confusionists will once again infiltrate the enemy camp, causing them to confess to crimes no one knew were committed. Their outlets shall be through retelling “funny” experiences, sewing twitter threads no one asked for, and unearthing old social media posts. At the end of the week, our agents of discord will create a rift so wide that the enemy camp will never recover.

Our anti-men agendarists will be on the prowl. With carefully timed discussions, they will sway more women away from men and into the lesbian cult. They shall preach the gospel of divesting ourselves from patriarchal oppression occasioned by heterosexual relationships, and push an agenda for more women to give up the penis.

Last on the list for the coming week, we shall have a nationwide meeting of all teams and factions. Meeting time shall be communicated in due time through the coven sanctioned piercings, waist beads, tattoos, and anklets.

Dear sisters, until we meet again, stay bitter.

Yours in evilness
Princess Emma
For the Feminist Coven Executive Team

Student of law, writer.