I want to believe in God again

I’ve been irreligious for a while now and it’s been great but sometimes, I wish I still believed.

I’ve come to realise that there are many things in life that people want to be shielded from. That’s why we immerse ourselves in drugs, alcohol, or belief in a higher power or supreme being who can fix all our problems. Not me though, I’m satisfied with raw dogging life.

Why have I lumped drugs, alcohol, and religion together? It’s simple, at their core, they all provide solace, a place where we don’t have to feel our feelings or think our thoughts. We can just go with the flow and let someone else deal with the problem. Whether that someone is future you or the sky daddy, the principle is the same; you get an escape from your life.

I’m depressed, I have been for years. The difference between 2017 depressed Emma and 2021 depressed Emma is that I no longer believe that there is a good place somewhere in the sky created just for me and there is a deity who can’t wait to solve all my problems and give me the keys to my mansion.

As you may have guessed, 2021 depressed Emma feels more hopeless and can’t push the desolence away and pretend everything is fine. Nothing is fine, nothing has ever been fine, but at least 2017 depressed Emma believed it could be because, like her name says, God is with her; he always is and he has a plan for her.

For years religion was my drug; prayer was a pill I took daily that helped me stay calm. I desperately hung on to the notion that the big guy in the sky had a plan for me and as long as I obeyed him and did the right things, all will be fine.

It was a lot easier to go through life believing that everything would make sense one day and everything would fall in place for my good. The thought of going back to that is enticing.

Student of law, writer. linktr.ee/emmanwosisi